The dating process sucks, period. Not just in 2024, not just the Phoenix area. Of course I can say that from the comfortable position of a monogamous relationship with the best partner conceivable. However, I didn’t meet her from the dating process. On the contrary, she and I were matched up. To be transparent, it’s the best match ever. Again, said from the guy who isn’t dating anymore.
L.D.D. [Los Don’t Date] – The Drama of Dating
That said, though, when I was matched up I wasn’t dating then, either. In fact, I was enjoying the self-imposed hiatus from that drama of dating. It started in Washington State, moved to Arizona, and was projected to be a year long.
*Probably about 2–3 years back, I never thought I would come across terms like a red flag, and green flag and I know several other flag colors coming up. All the flag talk got my mind to drift to a NASCAR race, and wishing I could see the checkered flag of dating!
But yeah, coming to the red and green flag, I observed people using it, it is generally used as a label to describe someone in a dating scene. A red flag is used for someone who seems like exhibiting toxic traits and a green flag is for someone secure, wise and loving.
Okay, now here I have a problem, tagging people with some label. It’s as if a person is a red flag, is meant to be a red flag in any relationship that they get into. And the same for the green flag.
While I believe that a person has some traits that they exhibit in any relationship or friendship that they get into, a part of them that shows up in the relationship is because of the way the other person is.
Have you not wondered, why being with someone brings out your calm and mature side and some other people bring out the worst behavior in you? Not saying this to make you believe that you should not take ownership of your behavior and blame the other person for what you are. I feel, just pay a little more attention to how you behave around certain people, you will know.
For example, if you are with a person who does not make you feel heard, you may feel like exerting more pressure to make the person understand what you mean. Maybe by talking at a higher volume, in a passive-aggressive, or aggressive tone and sometimes the frustration of not being heard and understood makes you experience intense emotions making you borderline violent.
In this case, instead of maybe shifting all the blame to the other person, can we just look at everything from a distance and understand what is going wrong? Why is this person bringing out this side of me? Most likely the other person feels the same about you. So basically, you tag each other as red flags.
Now imagine there is another person with whom you feel heard and understood like there is a sense of ease of conversation. The conversation does not feel forced and you get each other without much explaining. As they say, you probably are vibrating at a similar frequency. What is the flag here for you and the other one? Green, right?
*Credit to Chitrangada Pradhan
In dating, we often use green or red colors of flags as the yes or no in whether we should date someone. A red flag refers to an indicator of the probability of an emotionally unhealthy or problematic partner and a green flag refers to an indicator of the probability that the partner is emotionally healthy and mature. It is easy to focus on only the red flags that suggest the potential for doom, but the green flags that suggest the potential to flourish and succeed are equally important. As a beginning guide in determining some reds and greens, here are five of each to look for, in random order.
Red Flags
1. Love Bombing – when your partner illustrates a false sense of intimacy with intense feelings of love as an attempt for your rapid emotional investment before you learn who they really are.
2. Bad-mouthing their exes – if the ex is immediately termed as crazy there could be a lack of accountability and honesty.
3. Stonewalling/poor conflict resolution – if in conflict they shut down, criticize, retreat, or lash out as well as react with anger, blame and shame.
4. Controlling behavior or jealousy – possessiveness that suggests emotional immaturity, trauma or even more serious concerns.
5. Unhealed trauma or active addition – your partner needs to be healthy for themselves first in order to be healthy for you.
Green Flags
1. Expression of feelings and emotional maturity – suggests the partner might have done some emotional work in healing and has a high level of self-awareness and good communication skills.
2. Integrity – how they deal with people, money, ethics and their work.
3. You feel safe with this person – their energy is calming and peaceful and they illustrate a sense of stability and comfort.
4. Acceptance – of themselves and of you, including an interest in your perspectives and views which suggests they would respect you and your boundaries.
5. Attentiveness – they are interested in validating and meeting your needs and desires.
One my dearest friends in the world and I exchanged a few text messages after I sent her a wellness check-in type. She revealed that she’s dating again, met this wonderful man. Then towards the end of the text conversation she mentioned that she’s “looking for his red flags”. Basically, a defeatist type of way of viewing this budding relationship for self-protection.
“Thank you. I’m waiting for and looking for red flags. Haven’t found any yet.”
Naturally, I clapped-back. “Some friendly advice from good ole Los?”
“Yes, please, ” she invited.
“STOP 🛑 . LOOKING. FOR. RED. FLAGS. 👀 Eventually you’ll find what you are searching for … and, overlook what’s right in front of you, ” I grumbled. Organically, the conversation veered off so that’s all I’ll quote from it.
I heard this the other day …
“You can be the whole package and still end up at the wrong address. When this happens, the receiver will mishandle you because they don’t know what to do with you, or they weren’t meant to have you in the first place.”
So yes, this red flag and green flag thing is pretty relative to me, depends on the person that you are with. Maybe it’s time we understand this and not use it as a label to describe a person. While believing all these, I don’t dismiss the fact that certain things about a person do not change even when the other person keeps changing.
It is important to learn how to recognize these early signs to find a healthy partner. We want partners who are gentle with us, who are accountable in their life and who want to have a loving, healthy, fulfilling relationship.
If you start seeing red flags, know your limits and stick to those boundaries. If you question your ability to see the flags or find yourself repeating unhealthy relationships, some therapeutic work on emotional trauma, attachment concerns and inner child work can be helpful.
los, Fil-Am Renaissance Man 