This past weekend was the first time I had visited in-person my family in Spokane since the global pandemic of COVID-19. It reminded me of the story when I was thrown completely under the bus by my Uncle Steve at an Outback Steakhouse in Spokane. Wait! What happened is probably what you’re asking me, or yourself? I’ll tell ya in the following passage.
Wait! What Happened
You need some background information in order to truly appreciate this story. Charlene and I had been dating a few years when this occurred. Her family in Spokane invited us over to enjoy the holidays – pretty sure it was Christmas. We always drove over to them, and in return they would host us while we were there. The collection of us is a epicenter of funny inside jokes, sarcasm, and physical comedy. Every visit had a “Wait! What happened” moment, too. This visit was no exception!
Aunt Nancy usually cooked for us, but this particular night she didn’t want to cook, and neither did anyone else. The suggestion and what we landed on was the Outback Steakhouse off of Division Street. We all piled into cars: Aunt Nancy, Uncle Steve, Cousin Jenny, Cousin Sami, Uncle Bruce, Charlene and yours truly. With a party of seven, we were gonna wait some time. Our table of 10 was ready as the hostess approached us with a smile and an armful of menus.
We filed in behind her lead, single-file. It was 70-inch round table situated very close to the square and rectangular tables. The hostess abruptly stopped to negotiate some chairs, which touched off a chain reaction. Well, Uncle Steve reached and patted the butt cheek of what he thought was his daughter, Jenny. The hostess in a floor-length, flower patterned, yellow dress whipped her head around so fast with a look of shock.
Without missing a beat, Steve whipped his head around and I happened to be following Steve. He blurts, “Carlos!”
I was stunned – wait! What happened? She aggressively turn around and started to slam down the menus for the seven of us. As I sat down, I asked him. “Why was she instantly pissed?”
“Oh,” he shrugged his shoulder. “That? I thought it was Jenny’s butt so I patted it to coax her along. Lord, imagine my surprise when it wasn’t. Sorry, Los. I had to throw you under the bus.”
“WAIT! What happened? Oh, Steve. I’m screwed.”
The hostess was young, and I mean very young, like 18 years old or so. I’m sure she was judge, jury, and executioner for me, as she approached her co-workers at the hostess station. As you can imagine, I was public enemy number 1. Eventually, I needed to use the bathroom. Unfortunately for me the restaurant was laid out in a U-shape with the apex of the U at the front entrance and hostess station.
We were seated at one side of the U, and the bathrooms were on the oppose side. Great, I thought sarcastically. As I walked by, I didn’t even look their way as I felt the laser eyes of disgust trying to burn a hole through my head. Then I rounded the corner near the bar, and of course, the bartender and bouncer were mean mugging, too. I grumbled mentally, “I owe that man a kick in the shin.”
When I sat down, and blurted out an idea. “Since this is Steve’s fault, but I got blamed for it, I have an idea. As we leave we should pat the butt of the person in front of you and in line-of-sight of the hostess. Cool?”
The table laughed and agreed to my idea. Finally, dinner was consumed, and the bill was paid. We marched out in single-file order, and as we crashed into each other at the door, we gleefully patted each other on the butt.
The hostess, you ask? Still unimpressed.
Be careful of the butt you pat today as it might be attached to the ass who’ll sue you later … Not sure, that’s a saying, though. Until next time, be good like you should, and if you can’t be good, be good at what you do!
Mic drop *bOoM*