I am on the cusp of boarding my 14th cruise at the end of the month, but my memory lag states this is my 17th sea voyage on a cruise ship! Guess memory loss is characteristic of 49 years of age. HURMPH! (I couldn’t account for 3 cruises) Let’s dive into 25 years of my cruise experience history.
1 Windstar Cruise, 1 Disney Cruise, 3 Princess Cruises, 3 Holland America Cruises, and lastly 5 Carnival Cruises. ALL of them were wonderful, but since it’ll be the Carnival Liberty on March 30, 2025 … the focus of this post will be my experiences on Carnival, which is known to be the Funship!
- (2000) Carnival Sensation – What A SENSATION-al Time
- (2003) Carnival Paradise – Paradise Found
- (2006) Carnival Victory – Victory At Last
What A SENSATION-al Time
My first ever cruise was on the Carnival Sensation (2000) Charlene, my girlfriend at the time, encouraged me to experience my first cruise after talking up her first cruise which was only a couple years ago.
I am always game to use my passport for travel. It seemed like it would be a SENSATION-al time (see what I did there?)
I didn’t realize what I learned on that cruise would be applicable to every cruise I’ll board in the future. Regardless of the cruise line, or itinerary, if you’ve been on ONE, you’ve been on all.
Charlene may have been a gaslighting, narcissist but at least she was well informed, and acted accordingly. And if you read the Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) Page, you’ll realize that she did, too.
Firstly, pack your passport. While you’re at it, pack a swimsuit into your carry-on bag. You’ll be separated from main luggage for hours on end. The “Days at Sea“ are the designated formal nights. For the main dining room, you are encouraged to wear business casual to business formal attire on the other nights (and days)
I absolutely loathe the pre-cruise safety meeting at the designated muster station. On the Carnival Sensation on that particular sailing, Charlene and I station was on the Pool Deck in the hot ass Tampa sun WITH the life jacket on. My color commentary was a reflection of my frustration about that!
Water, Please
May 13, 2000 – So I just spent the last 3 I hours in the searing heat without a drop of liquid to drink. The first item my eyes land on in my nice, air conditioned room is a gigantic bottle of Evian water. I would like to point out now that Evian spelled backwards is naive.
In my case with a capital “N”. I’m not fond of Evian but I was parched therefore I had no other choice. Without forethought, I tore away the cardboard tag and the safety cap and gulped down a big swig. Charlene interrupted with an inquisitive question, “Honey, did you read the tag?”
I peer over the bottle of water at the cardboard tag lying beside the safety cap.
“A charge of $2.95 will be placed on your ‘Sign and Sall’ account for your convenience”
Great, I mentally groaned. I just charged my first item on the account for water I don’t even like! Look who the naive person is now …
I digress.
Cruises were a fantastic match for our different styles of vacationing: I’m active, Charlene was not. Considering it was my first cruise, and not knowing I would be enjoying double-digit cruises, I participated in every activity, as many shore excursions, and immersed myself into the cruise ship life as much as possible.
Do You Hear That?!
After the muster station, and a few quickly downed drinks, we rolled back to our cabin. I was feeling frisky, but assumed Charlene was prudish as usual. After initiating some sexy time ‘wants’, we tumbled into bed. I peeked over my shoulder at the cabin door to ensure it was closed.
And it was closed, at the time I looked.
She never did like music, and/or any other background noise, other than our voices. As I was mid-activity, the volume of noise from across the cabin and at my back was louder than I recall. I looked over my shoulder at the door. I discovered why the hallway noise of people walking by and talking was loud. The DAMN DOOR was wide open!
I hopped off the bed, raced to the door, slammed it shut, locked it, and returned to *AHEM* work.
That is what I call customer service!
First, you should know that this is my first cruise ever. This is Charlene’s second with Carnival. With that in mind, for the past 3 days we got a phone call every morning from the bridge crew. The conversation was very casual each time.
However today, the gentleman’s voice was very difficult to understand. The best I could do is that it was understand the last sentence: Is everything ok in your cabin?
I thought that was really nice. Charlene pointed out that these phones calls are not supposed to be happening. Once again the phone rings. Jeez, I’m thinking. Here was the conversation:
Me: “Hello?”
Officer: “Is everything ok in the cabin?”
Me: “Yes… you seem to think different.”
Officer: “Do you smoke?”
Me: “No. This was designated as a non-smoking cabin.”
Officer: “Is there any flame in the room?”
Me: What?! Of course not, you dumb ass. If there were, you wouldn’t need to call! I would be calling you! “No sir. No flame.”
Officer: “Do you shower?”
Me: Objection! Prosecution is leading the witness! As if personal hygiene had something to do with this. “Yes we do. Why?”
Officer: “Do you shower with the door open?”
Me: This is just too weird. “Yes, as a matter of fact.”
Officer: “The hot steam from the shower is setting off a stage 5 fire alarm in the bridge.”
Me: Whoa. Sounds serious, “Really.”
Officer: “In the future can you shower with the door shut, so that the firemen don’t run down to your cabin, kick in the door to extinguish a fire that doesn’t exist.”
Me: Sure as long as they bring a pina colada. “No problem sir.”
Officer: “Thank you.”
Me: “No, thank you.”
Charlene stepped out of the bathroom, opening the door I closed, and as coy as can be, “What was that all about?”
Me: “Nothing.” I replaced the phone on it’s cradle.
Paradise Found
(2003) Carnival Paradise – Miami, Belize, Honduras, and Ocho Rios. It was my honeymoon with my then-wife, Charlene. We were married on famous Miami’s South Beach, then departed on the Carnival Paradise, at the time the only non-smoking cruise ship for our exotic Western Caribbean cruise.
One of ports of call was Belize City, Belize. We elected to buy an extensive shore excursion of cave exploring and lunch. All the cruisers piled on the bus. Another couple we were seated with at the dinner table was Lauren and Sean from Connecticut, so it was comforting to have a friendly face on the tour while we were away from the ship.
The tour guide advises of the itinerary, and explains at the end of the tour he’ll have a “special treat for all of us” at Cheers with a Tropical Twist Bar. There was an immediately and collective buy-in – seemed cool enough.
After an extensive drive through the countryside, we arrived to the start of the tour. We were guided to select a ginormous rubber inner tube, so that we can ride on it through the cave river. So we marched up a footpath to start the tour while clad in mining hats, light, and swimming clothes. The mouth of the cave and “river” was ample enough of 40 plus folks. I placed mine in front of me, and laid chest down. Realizing quickly this position was uncomfortable, I attempted to adjust whilst on the tube.
And then, SPLASH.
Before I know it, I’m swimming like a 40lb anvil in a 12-foot deep swimming hole. Racing through my mind are the words of warning that some spots in the river were up to 25 feet deep, and that I couldn’t swim to save my life. Thankfully, Charlene’s grasp finds my T-shirt and skin through the darkness of the water probably because my headlamp was on. Her arm drags me to the surface of the water, and like a breaching whale, crashes my body onto the inner tube.
She screamed, “Three days of marriage, and you’re already checking out on me?!” [NOTE: After years of divorce now, I should’ve said yes]
I whimpered, “I’m uncomfortable.”
She barked, “Just sit there!”
The rest of the cave tubing continues without further incident. It was amazing to say the least! Let’s fast forward to lunch at Cheers with a Tropical Twist. The tour guide said it’s an all-you-can-eat buffet for lunch: bamboo chicken, fruit salad, and dinner rolls.
We plated up with Lauren and Sean, and sat down together. Charlene didn’t eat anything off the bone in public so she had fruit salad only. And only to discover there was a dead centipede in her portion. She subtly showed me after not taking a single bite, but stopped me from causing a ruckus citing she really wasn’t hungry.
Frankly I was starving after hiking, tubing, and a near-death experience, so I plated up once again. This bamboo chicken is delicious. Sean was not to be outdone by Seattle ‘los so he did too. Then we repeated it for a third. I know my Spanish was rusty at the time, but I could’ve sworn the two ladies exchanging worried looks mentioned that these two white boys are crazy for killing off the rest of the bamboo chicken.
I digress.
The tour bus drove us back to the pier so we can board the water tender and return to the ship. We just missed the tender so there was gonna be short wait. To keep us entertained there were shops to look in. Charlene found a one-person shack to explore so the shopkeeper came out to allow that. I didn’t want anything to do with that. I retrieved my camera to photograph the area. I located a grassy courtyard with dozens of iguanas sunbathing in the Caribbean sun. As I was clicking away, the shopkeeper approached me. He lit up a cigarette, and asked, “You like iguanas?”
I shrugged, “I suppose. Just something to do while the wife shops.”
He grumbled, “I don’t.”
“Oh?” I mentioned. “We have two iguanas as pets back home.”
“Really, amigo? Around here they’re a nuisance,” he complained.
“Why?” I asked.
He continued to explain, “Too many of them, really. Look at all of those.” He pointed to the courtyard. “We serve them up as a local delicacy to tourists.”
I grew concerned, “How so?”
“They are so many they hang off the bamboo. We call it Bamboo Chicken.” With that comment, we share a laugh.
Charlene appeared from the shack with the words, “Honey, I bought you a shirt.” It was emblazoned with the words: You Better Belize It. I smirked, and thought, no shit. She observed the Cheshire grin on my face and questioned me, “What’s so funny?”
I shrugged my shoulders, “Oh, nothing.”
Eventually we are all back on-board the ship, and seated at dinner in the dining room. I was the self-elected table captain. The previous nights, I would share our adventures or excursions with the table then systematically ask all the other newlyweds to share theirs. Tonight was such a treat that I deferred to the couple from Philadelphia to start. The table thought that was odd as they seemed to like my storytelling abilities. Regardless they complied. Eventually, Lauren and Sean were asked, but since I deferred they deferred as well. Finally! It was my turn. I was smiling like a child with a new swear word wanting to unleash in grand fashion on the world.
I recount the story up until the shop owner part. Then talking out loud but directly to Sean because I know he’ll blow a gasket, I finish the story. Sean is all sorts of riled up and upset. He defends himself, “But there was the skin flap, like a chicken.” He folds his arm into a chicken wing then flaps it.
I raise my voice a bit, “DUDE! Did you see you any chick coops in Belize as we rode in the bus? No, we didn’t. You and I ate IGUANAS!” I burst out laughing. He reacted poorly by knocking over his chair, thus exiting the dining room. His wife, Lauren, hot on his heels. The table gets quiet again.
Then Pennsylvania turns to me and asks, “So? Does it taste like chicken?”
“Sure did!” I exclaimed.
Victory At Last
(2006) Carnival Victory – As far as my cruises go, this was the quietest Carnival cruise. Charlene and I sailed with my broesph, Scotty G, and his girlfriend at the time, Jacqueline aka “Jackie Blue Eyes”.
Hand Jam
One of the ports-of-call was San Juan, Puerto Rico. It was a late stop of 5pm through 10pm. All four of us piled into the Senor Frogs! We watched cruise passenger get strung up upside down so that they can consume tequila while suspended.
We learned a hand jam while standing on bar chairs, and bar stools, for the Three Dog Night song, Joy To The World. And I still remember it to this day!
To be continued …
los, Fil-Am Renaissance Man 