Welcome, reader! It is I, los with the most. I am the asphalt asskicker, purveyor of pavement, kaiser of concrete, the car czar, the Lyftkeeper, to relay Tales from the Lyft!

The following has been plucked from the backseat of the Millennium Subaru. The only detail(s) changed are the names of the people.

Sit back, chillax, and read with delight.

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I’ve been driving for Lyft since May 2023. It’s the perfect side hustle for me! I love the driving experience, I listen to my tunes, learn the streets of the Phoenix metroplex, converse with riders, all while being paid to do it!

Ride #202 – Bye, Bye Buay and the Blunt

Nayvadius DeMun Cash, better known as Future, is an American rapper known for his mumble-styled vocals and prolific output. He is considered a pioneer in using melody and autotune in modern trap music.

I SWEAR ON A STACK OF BIBLES … I picked up Minnesota Future at 362 S Farmer Ave, Tempe, AZ.

As usual, I asked if this was a garden variety drive to work since the destination was 20 minutes away. He mumbled, “No, man. I’m trying to git ta a liCK her store for shawty.”

I didn’t understand his answer, and I didn’t care: we’re going. What I didn’t realize that I wasn’t gonna get back the next 2h 1m of my life back.

Buay (pronounced BOO-ay) mentioned that Paradise Valley Liquor was the only place he could find. While we were bearing down on the destination, he requested to pull over right quick into a Sinclair Gas Station. You know, mostly green colored oil company with a green dinosaur (brontosaurus) as it’s mascot.

Honestly, I thought he was gonna do some biological function like vomit, pee, or more. He reappeared with a cold Corona bottle bigger than his arm diameter; just sipping away. I tell him to get in the car. I changed the destination on his phone to Paradise Liquor or any liquor store with a dispensary as the one-stop allowance.

I drove to Curaleaf because that was closer, and I’m invested an hour thus far. BRUH takes forever to buy his favorite items since he doesn’t have one in Minnesota. I drove him to a nearby liquor store, after I changed his destination to 362 S Farmer Ave (yes, the beginning)

Just to remind you, it’s Friday afternoon in downtown Phoenix area so I’m battling commuter #traffuck as well as this rider.

Again, triple the amount of time needed to complete this task. He stumbles out with not one, or two but three White Claw cases! Jesus H, I sighed. This is when he started requesting songs that he enjoyed such as: Say Yeah by Wiz Khalifa, Bottom by Boosie Badazz, Bottom to the Top by Z Ro, Wipe Me Down by Trill Family, I’m Me by Lil Wayne, Young Money Hospital by Gudda Gudda, and Lifestyle by Rich Gang.

He passed to me his 3/4 drank Corona bottle. I hid it in my door. Another 23-minute tick as I arrive to 362 S Farmer Ave. I pulled over with the sweet anticipation of leaving this man. He asked, “Why are we here? My hotel is the Marriott Airport.” He presents his phone with the Expedia reservation.

Oh my FAWKING GAWD!!! I mentally screamed.

I grabbed his phone out of his outstretched hand. I changed the end destination to the Marriott Airport because I’m leaving his ass AND getting paid!

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We arrived there without further incident. Instead of being mad, or frustrated, I helped him gather up his items. I have a hug, and a dap. As I attempted to pull away, he dropped a pre-rolled joint into my pocket. He laughed, “It’s my tip to you, dawg. You’re my n***a.”

I jumped into my vehicle only to park it outta sight. I reported to Lyft I don’t want to be paired with him ever again. Bye, bye Buay, and the Blunt!

More from me later …