Hopefully, all y’all are still are still strapped in! It is, I, los with the most, the self-proclaimed asphalt asskicker, purveyor of pavement, kaiser of concrete, the car czar. While I’ve only driven in Arizona for 10 months, I have more to couch you, dear reader, for FREE as a blog post.

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Let’s continue, shall we?

7. U-turns, I Turn

U-turn are not illegal (again, no road rules) Therefore they are a common occurrence on this street grid system. My broseph, Ron, loves the grid system. Don’t like the look of traffuck? Turn when you can, and Tron Lightcycle you’re path to the destination!

I don’t understand why U-turns. If 3 left makes a right, then just do that instead.

6. Lane Changes

Lane changes don’t require turn signals or forethought. If you can cross 2 or more lanes, then you are compelled. Just saw the steering wheel over blindly and hope for the best. Think, Gone In 60 Seconds girl who is left by the instructor mid-way through her driving test.

5. Pedestrians

Pedestrians do NOT have the right-of-way in Phoenix. So if they jump onto your hood in the middle of the crosswalk, to a Jackie-Chan-styled ornament, that’s on them. Literally!

4. Controlled Intersections

Four way stop intersections are special circumstances. Vehicles with the loudest mufflers proceed first, then trucks with the biggest tires and/or highest lift kits. SUV driving, cell phone in-hand mothers go last – they are distracted.

3. Speed Limit Signs

The speed limit signs are posted for visiting drivers only. You drive as fast as you dare. Freeways should be treated as either Talladega Nights: The Ballard of Ricky Bobby, or Mad Max: Fury Road. Loop 101, Loop 202 are super speedways. US Route 60, I-10, and I-17 have the damaged riddled concrete that are worthy of Fury Road status. Any other highway, e.g. Arizona SR 347, are graded by your own experience.

The right hand lane is designated for timid, scared-of-their-own-shadow drivers. The middle lane is the traveling lane for those willing to speed, yet not enough to occupy the passing lane. The far left lane is designated for ticket money holders! If you don’t have ticket money, OR not traveling 80 mph or more, then do not mix it up with these drivers. Your vehicle will be damaged. Your feelings will be hurt.

Inexplicably, Arizona drivers obey the 35 mph school zone speed limit when that yellow light is flashing. [Mostly because they are camera-defended, ticket dispensing safeguards in play]

2. Zipper Lanes, Roundabouts

When traffic is flowing, zipper lanes in Arizona are properly used. The faster vehicle speeds past and blends with the existing lane. However, in congestion times, it’s the “line cutter”. So drivers that use it are honked at, delivered the highway salute, and pestered.

However, that’s exactly how it’s supposed to work.

Roundabouts can be found usually in gated communities, and not in established OLD neighborhoods without HOAs. Most of these rich bastards know how to navigate them easily. It’s the Instacart, Door Dashing drivers that can’t figure them out. Honestly, they’ve never encountered one, so they drive around the wrong side, or slow to a complete stop before moving forward.

*drumroll please*

1. Zero Patience

You need to drive with HULK level anger! Operate your vehicle with violence. Above all, you have ZERO PATIENCE out there. Don’t be courteous by letting drivers in – it confuses the entire street, with a paradigm shift in energy. Cut off drivers, especially truck drivers with long, or heavy loads.

There you have it, dear reader. If you follow at least 5 of these, you’ll be able to survive a few months. If you follow all 10 tips, you should be set for life.

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