Buckle up, Buttercup! It is, I, los with the most, the self-proclaimed asphalt asskicker, purveyor of pavement, kaiser of concrete, the car czar. While I’ve only driven in Arizona for 10 months, I’ve learned so much, that I’m willing to pass on to you, dear reader, for FREE as a blog post.

My driving résumé spans 30 years, 3 countries, 2 continents and vehicles as large as boxed trucks, trailers, and authentic racecars. My experience behind the wheel is my credibility to dispense the following …

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Top 10 Tips, Tricks and Tactics

First and foremost, before even thinking about driving in Arizona you should empty brain cavity of everything you’ve learned about driving. It wouldn’t help you anyways! I need you to start with a tabula rasa (shameless plug for my self-created holiday with the same name) For those non-Latin speakers, BLANK SLATE.

In David Letterman style, here’s number 10. If you don’t know who David Letterman is, please FAWKING Google that shyt. (I don’t have the time, and energy to explain my comedy style to ya)

10. None of the actions are personal, you idiot.

Unless, there’s a crash. 90% of collisions on the road are driver error with the remaining 10% due to mechanical failure (it does happen) Demonstrating road rage on Arizona streets, highways and by-ways is a losing proposition as each vehicle is armed to the teeth with driver(s) wanting to use them at the slightest sign of disrespect, like Mad Max: Fury Road.

Most of the time, that disrespect was actually followed with a “sorry about that”, or simply “sorry” inside the offender’s vehicle. Arizonians say sorry more often than Canadians. And that’s saying something! In fact, I’m convinced that every Canadian moved down here as an ex-pat to pass on their culture.

AHEM, I digress!

9. ALL traffic laws have been suspended.

If a law enforcement officer attempts to cite you about a traffic law infraction, inform them that it’ll be wiser to issue a verbal warning with a wave than to war against your 10-minute online lessons from Rocket Lawyer in 110 degree temperatures. They will have no choice but to relent after talking them ad nauseam.

Now that you have been informed that no one does anything intentional, and no laws govern the roads, you can strap yourself in your shitbox.

8. Mario Kart Skills Tested.

Leaving your driveway, or stop-light situations should be handled the same: push the accelerator to the floor regardless of position. If you actually stop at a yellow light, most likely will be rear-ended by the speeding vehicle behind you.

BEWARE of the legal limit of “red light runners” is 5, though. Simply dodge those runners like a figure 8 racetrack!

To be continued …