Welcome, reader! It is I, los with the most. I am the asphalt asskicker, purveyor of pavement, kaiser of concrete, the car czar, the Lyftkeeper, to relay Tales from the Lyft!

The following has been plucked from the backseat of the Millennium Subaru. The only detail(s) changed are the names of the people.

Sit back, chillax, and read with delight.

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I’ve been driving for Lyft since May 2023. It’s the perfect side hustle for me! I love the driving experience, I listen to my tunes, learn the streets of the Phoenix metroplex, converse with riders, all while being paid to do it!

Ride #126 – Where’s Wally the War Veteran?

The following experience made me think of my Dad in the future; about 10 years into the future. It should be noted that tonight was the second night of a full moon. That should’ve been my biggest ominous clue about what was about to happen …

I received a text message from Lyft about Wally

“Lyft here! Wally has a mobility issue. He has a cane / walker and may require additional assistance with your vehicle. You can cancel right now to avoid this; there will no penalties for canceling. Do you accept: Yes or No?

Of course, I tapped Yes, knowing that the GODS OF LUNACY cooked up something for me … because no good deed goes unpunished. It’ll be a hot-minute before I forget this address.

5145 N. 7th St, Phoenix, AZ 85014

It’ll live next to P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney, AZ.

I tapped the “Arrived” button on the app, and waited. After the obligatory 5 minutes, I called Wally to ask of his whereabouts.

[The following dialogue is why this is my Dad 10 years from now]

Me: Hey there, Wally. It’s Carlos, your driver.

Wally: (screaming): They won’t rent me a car! They ordered you instead, Carlos!

Me: (mentally, what the FAWK? I’m gonna regret this, if NOT already) Who won’t, Wally?

Wally: Enterprise Rent A Car! They said they need a piece of mail with my Phoenix address on it, if I’m gonna use my debit card.

*SIDE BAR: My 20 years of travel experience immediately confirmed this statement. Unless you have a true credit card, you are not renting a car today. This is a hill I’m NOT willing to die on today, either.

Me: I see. Which Enterprise location are you at?

Wally: (softens to a loud yell) On 7th street! Mumbles the address that he’s standing at.

Me: Ok, ok. I’ll be there soon. I stabbed the END CALL button.

I grumbled to myself, “Great! Not only do I pick him up at a place other than the posted pin, I’ve gotta talk this guy off the ledge.”

Google Maps returned 2 results for Enterprise Rent-A-Car on 7th Street in Phoenix: 4635 N. 7th St, and 1225 S. 7th St.

I prayed it was the closest location of 4635. A few moments later, I arrived to a combination collision center, and rental car building. I strutted into the lobby of a pantsless, T-shirt wearing only 4 year old. “Where’s Waldo?” I joked. “I meant, where’s Wally?”

The receptionist and I are the only occupants. She stammered, “I’m sorry?”

“Waldo, Wally, ya know the person who ordered the Lyft”, ” I repeated.

“It’s just us, amigo,” she advised.

I rolled my eyes, wheeled on my heel towards the collision center. I announced, “Lemme guess, no Wally here?” No one answered my statement. They shrugged their shoulders, so I left the lobby to call Wally.

Me: Hey sir, I’m at Enterprise, but you’re not.

Wally: I’m at 1225 S. 7th Street! If I was at the closer one I would’ve walk back by now than wait for this ride.

Me: (OK, DAD!) There’s more than one Enterprise location on 7th …

Wally: (cuts me off) 1225 S. 7th Street! 1225 S. 7th Street! I’m at …

Me: Gotcha, see you soon. END CALL.

Google Maps suggested 25 minutes due to heavy congestion from commuting traffuck on 7th. No other through-streets exist, either. FAWK MY LIFE. Meanwhile, the Lyft app has lost its shit with my driving from the pick up point which is actually the drop off point.

It was then I discovered that Wally (or someone on Wally’s behalf) inverted the locations. I regretted my decision to accept this train wreck of a ride.

[later]

I rolled up to the correct Enterprise Rent A Car. Wally doesn’t have a cane or walker, and is rather spry for his age.

DAFUQ!

He easily slides into the back seat. He’s grateful immediately for my perseverance and the bottled water. Over the next 20 minutes he tells me his life story as to WHY he doesn’t have a car in Arizona. To make a long story short [too late!] he had abandoned his van and trailer combo somewhere in Oklahoma due to a blow out tire on the trailer.

The app is flipping out because it wants me to drop Wally off at the Enterprise location, while Wally yammered in my ear. I focused on the Spotify music, traffuck, and my business. We arrived at the Seventh Apartments. He remarked, “This is where I live, that’s my trike.”

I mentally groaned, and replied to myself, I know, as I was here an hour ago!